I wrote this December 9th, 2008 and I wanted to share it again at this time of year. I know some people are currently going through similar emotions or have in the past. So I wanted to share my thoughts and what I went through with you I hope you enjoy it.
It’s 3 O’clock in the morning on December 9th…and as I’m driving I can’t help but wonder and ask….where are you Christmas? December started in a rush and it didn’t quite feel like Christmas as fast as it usually does every year.
Now you can start to feel Christmas in the air and it blesses each town with it’s first kiss of crisp cold December air. But as I drive down a new street each night….I ask over again…where are you Christmas? I can’t see you. Very few houses are kissed by the glow of Christmas lights, doesn’t anyone feel Christmas in the air?
I see glimpses of Christmas here and there, be it in the warm smile of a stranger or a holiday glow on a passerby’s face. Or that familiar twinkle in multiple stranger’s eyes. I see it in kind and simple acts done for loved ones and even deeper in those done for a complete stranger. I can’t help but wonder did Christmas touch their heart this season? As I spectate, I can’t help but wonder what each person went through this past year, and what battles they’re still currently fighting.
About 2 weeks until Christmas and I’m still conflicted with mixed emotions. One part of me is starting to take in the excitement and believe once again in the magic of the season and what this month brings. While another part of me feels alone and shut off emotionally from others and the world. Almost numb to it all. I’m confused because my life is changing and I don’t know what direction to pursue. Take a chance and believe in the spirit of Christmas? or shut it out and let my emotions pull me down and get the best of me?
I wonder why can’t I feel the warmth of Christmas? Why does it feel so faint and distant. Or is it closer than I realize. Am I not letting the Christmas holiday into my heart?
Two years ago, on Christmas Eve I felt alone…at the time I underestimated what alone meant. To me alone was without a significant other to pass the night with. I took my company for granted that Christmas Eve, for only two rooms away sat my Grandmother watching Christmas shows on TV.
One year later, after my family left so abruptly that night Christmas Eve and after my Mom and brother started to feel sleep weighing on their eyes, was truly when I realized what alone really meant. That Christmas Eve 2007, I realized what alone truly was…as I baked cookies and brownies and sat writing Christmas cards in my empty house. I realized how much I took OUR last Christmas for granted in 2006. I didn’t know that year would be our last year decorating the tree or I wouldn’t have waited so long to get it done with my Grandmother! I didn’t cherish that Christmas the way I should have and now 2 years later after my Grandmother’s passing I regret it more than ever.
This is my second Christmas without my Grandmother in my life and I still wonder if I can find Christmas without her. She was all I had in my life, for she was the only Mother I had ever known. To lose your only lifeline is incomprehensible. It feels as if someone knocked all the air out of your lungs and you’re struggling and gasping for another breath but it just isn’t possible. The only justified emotion is a simple tear down one side of your cheek. You can’t even begin to describe the emotion and pain you feel after such a loss. The only things in Life you have left after such a loss are your memories, thoughts, lessons,…and your regrets. These things teach you to continue on with life, to NOT take things for granted, to cherish and live each moment with all your heart, and to make ‘em count.
Because when your heart is filled with such pain the only cure is to slowly fill it back up with love. You learn not to close-up and forget…but to revel and relive the simplicities and better moments, when they were in your life. When they were a part of your life!
There’s something magical and wondrous about this time of year because no matter how bad things are you can’t help but be lifted by the Christmas Spirit. Even if only in the tiniest form. Christmas spirit touches you in the most profound ways, at the most unexpected time. I refuse to be upset. I couldn’t possibly bear this Christmas if I let my problems and sadness drown my spirits.
I’m blessed because I get to spend Christmas in my Grandparent’s house one last time, before we sell it in the Spring 2009. (which we didn’t end up doing) And I’m thankful for my loved ones and for the opportunities and moments that I have experienced in the last year. This Christmas I can only hope and pray everything works out for the best. For I want nothing more than to be truly happy and to enjoy what this month has to offer.
Make this Christmas count and don’t take it for granted….Love always Katie
R E F E R E N C E S & I N S P I R A T I O N
1. Hill, Faith.
Song: Where are you Christmas?