I originally attempted my first blog on myspace some years ago but due to my lack of focus and attention to it I eventually gave up on that first attempt. I was talking to one of my friends earlier and due to something he said to me I went to look for a poem I wrote a long time ago and in searching for it I found this and completely forgot I wrote it. But you never know who’s life you’ll touch or help so I wanted to share the post with you. I wrote it a few days after I lost my Grandmother. So I hope it gives hope to someone out there one day.
Enjoy Love Katie
written Aug. 26th 2007 on http://www.myspace.com/whatmyheartsays
“Every story has an END,
but in LIFE every end is just a NEW Beginning”
I’m not ok…it’s a weird feeling…my Nana isn’t coming home…but I wake up every morning feeling as if any moment she’ll walk through my bedroom door. I enter my house expecting to see her or hear her watching tv or making a cup of tea…expecting to hear her voice and see her face and she’s not there. I feel like an orphan…my house feels even emptier than before. All my life my house has been warm and inviting…NEVER has it felt this empty before. I thought I knew emptiness before when she was away or in the hospital. But I knew nothing compared to this feeling. My Grandmother and Grandfather….were the only mother and father I knew growing up. I had parents but they were never there. Waiting around for them was like waiting for rain in a drought….useless and disappointing.
My world is straight flipped upside down. All my Life…in a way I had to take care of myself, but now I have to more than ever. Over night I found the burden of becoming an adult all too quickly shoved upon my shoulders. The woman you see before you looks like she’s taking things well…but her all too delicate fascade is in danger of breaking any moment. A mask…hiding all the hurt and pain…is expected to hide all her emotions from the world. Anger consumes her and sadness takes over her every activity, idle hands weren’t the answer to this tulmultuous storm. Lost and confused…unsure where to turn or what step to take next…I slowly try to find a little bit of light in the darkness that has become my very world.
Two years ago I wrote her a poem and designed a picture for her for Mother’s day in 2005. In my blog post I revisited the poem and directed it back at her again. This is what I wrote:
I told you how much I needed you…I told you what my very world would be like without you…I told you my universe would fall apart! I told you my world would be dark, grim, and cold…like the depths of winter. I told you without you, my life would have no meaning…I told you if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be who I am today, and I told you…I’d surely be lost like a tossled ship at sea in the middle of a storm. I told you thankyou for filling my world with warmth and love, and for helping me to grow into the woman…you see in front of you today.
That was the day I told you Happy Mother’s Day Nana…that was the year you battled breast cancer and colon cancer through treatment.”
(At the time of her death Avril Lavigne’s Song I Miss You was the only thing that got me through)
I miss you…your love would always get me through the day…the days feel long without you in my life. I need you here in my life. I need you to hold me tight. I need to hear the words you use to say to get me through the day. I miss you…
I need to hear you sing through the long night…I need to hear the lullabies you sung to me…they always got me through a night of sadness or pain…do you see how much I need you right now? Your voice is missing from my days…the face I came to know and love is missing, too.
I’ve never felt this way before…I’ve never been this lost before…everything I do reminds me of you. Everything I see is a memory with you. I miss you…
You kept me from falling…you kept my head up…you never let me look down…you kept me smiling…even when I cried you’d never let me look down.
But that time came…and it hurt to say goodbye…my heart told me to be strong…and let you go. “Until we meet again” My heart tells me we’ll meet again…someday. It’s time to pick myself up…and take that first step forward…you’re no longer in my life but like Papa you live on in my heart and in my every word. You have always been a part of me through life…and you’ll always be with me…now after. I will always love you…and my love for you will never change…you were the only Mother I ever truly knew.
Pieces of the following song tell you what my Grandparents did and who they were for me:
“A Song for Mama” By Boyz to Men
“You taught me everything and everything you’ve given me
I always keep it inside
You’re the driving force in my life”
“You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were gray
Whenever I was down, you were always there
To comfort me. And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be”
“Mama, mama you know I love you (I love you, ooh, you know I love you)
Mama, mama your the queen of my heart
Your love is like tears from the stars (Yes, it is)
Mama I just want you to know
Lovin’ you is like food to my soul (Yes, it is, yes, it, is, oh…”
You’re always down for me have always been around for me
Even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong, yes, you did
And you took up for me when everyone was downin’ me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me and say to me
I could face anything
And no one else can do what you have been doin’ for me”