As the weather starts to give us a few days of warmth or nice weather here and there in between the Winter days, it always reminds me of the inevitable changing of the seasons. You can’t stop it or prevent it, it’s just something that is on this world. Or at least in the part of the world I live in, the seasons change.
When seasons change it constantly reminds me of how precious life truly is. Change, aging, and death are all inevitable. I was up late looking through old memories and ended up wandering onto Myspace. I decided to re-visit some old blog posts I did on Myspace. I was surprised to find I wrote a post exactly one year after my Grandmother’s death. I wasn’t surprised I wrote that but was extremely surprised I hadn’t shared it with my readers on WordPress. Especially when I made sure I shared a few other posts when I had first started my WordPress blog. So in her memory I wanted to share it with you as a part 2 to my previous post “My world…without you…sweet August..” (If you type that in the upper right search bar you can search my blog for the original post. Here is what I wrote one year after she passed:
It’s been 1 yr…since u left my life…I miss u NANA!!! u were my world!
(originally written Aug. 20th 2008)
Nana ….a year has passed since your death…..the shadow of lonliness still hovers over me. I never knew lonliness like the day you left this world. Since your death I felt like a mal-nourished child, without your love blessing my days. The only strength to go on, came from the love you showed me and everything you taught me. If it wasn’t for my Best Friends and the man who has my heart I don’t belive I would’ve ever gotten through the darkest hours without you. The day you left this world my heart broke into a billion pieces and just when it felt impossible to put it back together…with time and help I slowly regained purpose and moved forward with my life. It wasn’t easy. And to this day I still can’t come to terms with your death. I’m sorry beyond sorry for not visiting your grave. It’s just been so hard to bring myself to go back there.
Papa and you were the two biggest parts of my life…and now that you’re gone…it’s as if I’m alone. The only parents I’ve ever known are no longer alive. I still have the rest of the family but it’ll never be the same. I’ll never be able to come close to what we had, with them. You were my heart, my soul, my everything…you believed I helped you live longer…well I’m telling you if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be alive today. I found my strength and sense of self through you and Papa.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings…all I know is life dealt me a blessing. I have one more year left in the only home I’ve ever known. One more year to get back on my feet….one more year to complete and finish whatever I feel is incomplete or missing. I’m so confused right now, I don’t know what direction to go in. There are so many possibilities that I can’t figure out what to follow. I’m searching for a sense of peace. My current situation has me so overwhelmed with restlessness that I don’t feel at ease. I still feel like I’m always two steps behind. I’m tired of playing catch up. Tired of the stress and over exertion. I miss my life with my Grandmother. I miss our little things. No amount of memories will bring that back. No amount of wishing or dreaming, and that is the saddest thing of all.
I can’t finish I’m too emotional….sweet dreams crash n burn…Katie